Definition of Self (Hoo boy! We're going deep here, folks!)

These past two weeks have been tiring.  I'm usually one for expending energy, doing extra and still going out to have fun.  Not now.  My body is worn down, my mental focus is fading and I've realized that this is what used to drive me.  I would work until I felt this tired and then just fall asleep on the couch.  Not anymore.

I am no longer defined by what I do.  

I briefly discussed this with someone tonight.  A woman in my running clinic that just wrapped up.  She is surprised by the lack of support from a very athletic friend of hers.  They've been friends a long time, but now that she has started running (and loves it!), the friend is a little non-chalant and not as excited as you might expect.  I've seen this before but usually with family members, specifically siblings.  One child is the Athletic One.  Good at baseball, working out, running, track and field, golf, tennis, you name it.  They eat healthy, are active all the time and everyone knows that is their role.  The sibling starts running.  Ironically enough, it's usually because they are inspired by the Athletic One.  But once they start, the family congratulates them and fusses over them.  The Athletic One gets jealous or insecure.  The balance has shifted and they are no longer the hockey star or fitness freak in the family.  It happens to friends too.  Someone loses weight and the "pretty one" has a hard time with it.  It changes the dynamic.  Namely because people define themselves by what they do.

Try this: the next time you meet your friends, ask them to answer you honestly and you'll explain yourself afterward.  Then say, "tell me about yourself."  Guaranteed they will start one of two ways.  The first: "I am married and have X children..." (or something to that effect) or "I am a [insert job title here]."  People define themselves by either their family relationships or what they do for a living.  And why not?  It's easy.  Most everyone has family and most everyone has a job.  But that's not who you are and it can take a long time to figure that out.  Some people never do.

I'm on my way.  I know that I have no patience for bullshit or politics.  I love chocolate and my alone time but I cannot live without healthy recipes and the social connections I have.  Running and reading and music are favourites.  I have figured out what I like.  Not because my husband likes it or because my parents raised me a certain way, but because I have had the chance to be alone with myself and discover these things.  That discovery never really ends and the bits of yourself you discover as you live are what defines you.  Not your children or parents or career path.  Take those away for a second.  Now tell me about you. 

A Runner Knows

I am guilt-free.  My husband is out golfing, the cats are sleeping and there's nothing but the sound of my fingers on my keyboard.  All I have done is feed the cats, surf Twitter, and eat breakfast this morning.  It's already 33C with the Humidex, so a run is out of the question, I'm off early Friday - I shall run before I party with the Babes that night.

The Babes are the Running Babes.  The Tribe was thrown out there a few times, but that didn't suit and since we're mostly girls the Babes fit (sorry Johnny, Eric and Dom, but you get lumped in with "Babes"!)  We just kind of came together at the Running Room.  We run, we chat, we drink coffee and other over-priced, high calorie drinks, and congratulate each other on our successes.  Strangely enough, we don't seem to concentrate on the failures.  Admittedly there are very few, but when they do crop up, we work through them and empathize, offering support and looking on the bright side.  It's a very cool group.  Until recently, I couldn't tell you much about the other Babes, and they probably couldn't tell you much about me.  It's not about where you live, who you know or the other surface shit that we seem to live in day-to-day.  It's about how we felt on a run, if we're excited about a new job, what we're working towards next.  Forget the stats, demographics and numbers.  The only numbers that count with the Babes are what your chip time was and what time you want to get together for a run.  It's a separate little group that doesn't cross with co-workers or family and that you can just throw your two cents about anything into.  It's not exclusive, it's inclusive and there are very few things that strive to do that let alone achieve it.  It's unofficial and friendly, I'll bet there are a few that aren't even aware they are considered Babes.  When you see each other coated in sweat, hair plastered to your head, stains in places that would completely mortify most people, and you can still hug, pat on the back and smile at each other you are a Babe.

Runners accept each other at their absolute worst.  Exhausted, hungry, sweaty, freezing, weak, insecure, cramped, injured, and sometimes at the most honest, awkwardly human moments.  My personal favourite was a story involving an emergency pit stop.  During a race on a rainy day, a runner stopped to pee in the bush, but her shorts and underwear were soaked and she could only get the shorts up, not the underwear.  A fellow runner that she had just recently met noticed her awkward gait and asked what was wrong.  When she finished explaining, he offered to help and simply reached down the back and yanked the offending underwear back up.  All of this just before the next water station!

I've told the runners in my current running clinic that there are no bad moods at the starting line.  What I hope they've discovered on their own is the support that comes with being a runner.  You are never alone out there.  When other runners pass you, either on foot or by car, they are rooting for you.  They understand the compulsion and probably wish they were out there with you in the stinky, sweaty, salt-stained throes of support that comes with being a Runner.

Just a quickie (and what's wrong with wanting a nice lawn?)

I'm dreading this week.  I've been able to relax a little this weekend, and I'm hoping that the full moon will be gone by Monday.  This past week has been nuts!  Two tail amputations, short staff, new hires, management on vacay, solid bookings...  it's endless.  Two staff on holidays for the next two weeks, plus having to train while we're short.  This is not going to be easy.  So much for free time and the schedule I had planned for Scotia.

I'll still have to make time for my lawn though.  The poor thing.  It's so hot and dry, it's gone brown.  I've finally broken down to do some watering and it's helping a bit.  But apparently I have to stop posting about it on Facebook.  I post my "To Do" lists as statuses - partly so that I'm reminded of what I need to get done since I'm usually surfing anyway.  It's harder to ignore than the Post It on the counter.  It seems that I'm always cutting my lawn according to my Facebook friends.  That's not a bad thing, is it?  Taking pride in your home and the property you own should be good, but I guess I don't need to blab about it all the time.  Found a few sites that were uber-helpful though:  http://www.organiclawncare101.com/, http://www.london.ca/d.aspx?s=/Growing_Naturally/Lawn_Care_Calendar.htm, and http://www.omafra.gov.on.ca/english/crops/facts/08-017.htm#6.  Of course you can always visit the Scotts Lawn Care Site.  I'm a newbie trying to make it survive.  I usually kill plants. (Just ask the poor hanging plant Mer got us a few weeks ago: DEAD.)  Hell, I killed Java Fern.  It's an aquatic plant for crying out loud.  I'm just glad I can grow something in our front yard besides newspapers and doggy-doo.

So I post about my lawn.  I'm glad it's green and not completely covered in weeds.  I'm a little bit proud of the fact that I can grow something and put a bit of effort into it to make it healthy.  The money tree has come back from the brink of death.  Perhaps next year I might even try to grow something that can feed us.  You know...  in my spare time.

You don't have to be like me, but I don't understand you

Work is crazy.  Between holidays, maternity leave, sick staff and two resignations it's pretty exciting trying to keep up with everything.  The past couple of days haven't helped.  Dogs with broken tails, cats with kidney failure, surgical patients with heart murmurs... it's been endless.  So we have a newbie and she knows her stuff.  There are times that she speaks before she thinks or acts, but for the most part she knows her stuff.

What I don't know is how to motivate her.  When in doubt, she sits.  No looking around, checking on patients, dishes, laundry, labels, etc.  She sits.  When she is working and has tasks to do, she works hard, does them well and I can count on her to do the things she is asked or says that she will do.  But it's the initiative that leaves me wondering.

How do you learn initiative?  Is it natural?  Does come with caring or taking pride in your work?  Do you get it from your friends or your parents?  Can it be taught?  Is it possible to take someone with no initiative and give them the tools to build it and use it to create a promising career and a valuable role for themselves?  There are theories about generation gaps, city vs. country, educated vs. uneducated - there are way too many variables to consider.

My solutions so far have been subtle.  Or maybe not so subtle.  I took the stools, turned them upside down and tucked them away.  Then I literally said, "No time to sit! Let's get moving."  I have to remember that not everyone has the same energy level I do sometimes.  When I am rested and enjoying my job, I am hard to keep up with.  Thinking a few steps ahead, jumping in all over and trying to communicate my thoughts all at the same time.  It's mental and physical.

But I can't "fix" her.  Who am I to say that she is wrong?  My thought process is, "Let's get this done, do it well and move onto the next challenge.  Chop! Chop!"  There are times I wonder what the hurry is myself.  Why try to fit so much in all in this little space of time?  At work, it's easy - the excuse/reason is that we have a schedule to follow and clients and bosses to please.

In life, I fill my time.  I've stayed up to make time for this blog and despite the fact that it seems like I'm just adding stress, I'm starting to find it relaxing.  I can reflect, process and actually come to little realizations like the one that my new co-worker doesn't live to work.  She works to live and build a life.  That is a good goal.  She isn't "broken".  I don't need to fix her, I need to strike a similar balance.  But without the sitting.

Today, I relax.

I have sat on my ass all morning.  Laptop at hand, PVR remote on the other side and just watched Judge Judy and Law & Order reruns.  (Whoever figured out syndication is a god!)  Yesterday made up for it.  Helping my in-laws move on a very hot day, and running up and downstairs, labeling items, making sure their wishes were followed, then heading to the Running Room to take my clinic out and finally got home about 10:00pm.  It was actually a good day.

My favourite part was having a chance to talk to Monick.  She is this dryly funny little Quebecois woman that I know through a running clinic I took in 2008.  She cracks me up and I hope I do the same (I seem to, she's always laughing at me.)  If there was ever a running mentor for me, she is the top of my list.  I signed up for the Scotiabank Half Marathon and have been a little nervous about getting started.  Speaking with her last night about making sure I have my training schedule on track was exciting.  I love that she just tells it like it is.  If she thinks you'll get hurt - she tells you.  If she thinks you're wussing out - she tells you.  She is truly what my husband calls me: WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get).  I love that I can talk to her or listen to her and not get intimidated.  Perhaps it's that I'm taller than her (she is barely 5' tall) or that she is just so into the training and the running, you really don't feel competitive.  That's a hard quality to pass on.  To inspire without competition.  She has taught over 50 running clinics through the Running Room, sometimes doing two clinics at the same time while still keeping her own training up.  For those that have ever run a marathon or even a half marathon, you'll realize how hard this can be - juggling a full-time job, training schedule and teaching two running clinics. Not an easy task, but something tells me, Monick doesn't mind the stuff in life that isn't easy.

She would amend the old Nike slogan of "Just Do It".  Hers would be "Shut up and get it done."  Not a bad thing.  I normally do that.  But today - I relax.  And that is my triumph for today.  Well, that and a haircut.

I Won The Battle, But What of the War?

A slightly productive day, but also fairly relaxing.  Since I truly can't have that, I quickly found stuff to do.  Change the bedding, wash the dishes, take out the garbage - mundane stuff.  Quiet little things like reading the paper snuck in and that triggered an idea.  Stains and paints on sale at Home Depot, Rona, and Canadian Tire.  Such dangerous things these weekly flyers.

So I've decided to paint the porch posts and both the garage and front doors.  But that opens the other can of worms: our pitiful front step.  I think I may have found my plan for the week!  The only question is: can I do it?  Sites like this make it sound easy.  Bit of gravel, some stone and voila! A beautiful front step.  Tomorrow is paint buying day.  Perhaps I'll just grab whatever colour I want for the doors.  I'm thinking a mossy green.  Nothing too bold.  This is the current colour scheme (forgive the picture - moving cars and cold weather are not conducive to perfect photos!)

So many possibilities with a house that is essentially a blank slate.  Gardens, walkways, fences, decks, painting... the possibilities are endless!

And exactly when do I plan on doing all of this?  I have to start training for my half marathon this week while still teaching my Women Only clinic.  Fortunately, I'm on holidays this week.  As long as I get the posts painted and the railings back up, I'm winning right?